Mixed Emotion Friday

                                          

So yesterday was Friday. And normally, I'd be all TGIF, but yesterday was a different story.

On the one hand it was TGIF. I mean who doesn't like Fridays? But it was also R's last day. I had been trying to prepare myself all week. Saying goodbye at work, does not equal saying goodbye, I kept telling myself. We're still friends, I kept telling myself. I was seriously hoping pep-talks would do a body good. Yet, Thursday night I still didn't really sleep. And Friday morning came too soon.

I got up early and bought some pastries. We had thought that his last day was earlier in the week, and it was originally, so his "treat" was bought then. I didn't want him to not have anything, so I bought some. An addition, a week or so ago I had ordered an engraved acrylic pen holder with his name on it. Not that expensive or anything, but I thought it would be nice. It just happened to come Thurs. night, so I lucked out. I wasn't sure if getting him a gift was too much or not. What would he think? Should I get something more funny and less serious? Should I even get anything? I mean I had only known him for 5 months, but it feels like forever. But I did anyway. So I picked up J, my new co-worker (I'll write about her later), and went to work, dreading the day.

My happy face was on. Things were going ok. Then C. comes in and says today is his last day too! WHAT?!?!?!?!?!  Two of my co-workers in one day. WTH? He didn't know until last minute that he was to start Monday, so it's not really his fault, it was just kind of a shock to the system for all of us. Then R comes in. Late as usual, so I give him crap about it. And as usual, he has a fabulous come back. The work day has begun.

The past couple of weeks, R has been answering phones, and doesn't really have a desk, so he would pull up a chair and sit between me and C. Normally, I don't like anyone "looking behind my shoulder," but I quite liked him there. So I thought, well, at least I'll get that on his last day. Nope. K was gone so he sat at her desk. Bummer. I was going to take him out for lunch and tell him how much his friendship means to me. Boss lady decided to order in Pizza for everyone. Bummer. I mean, that's a really nice thing for her to do, but BUMMER! There was to be no time alone with him today. Though maybe in the long run, that will turn out to be a good thing. I'm trying not to make the mistakes of my past and come on too strong or needy. So J, R and I ate lunch together. Midway, when he turned around I put the present on the table in his spot. "What's this," he asked. "You're present," I said. "It's for you desk." "Is it Dr. Who," he asked. Because I've been bugging him to watch it. Nope, no who until he does. So he opened it and kind of looked at the box and then I said, "No, open it." That way he could see the engraving. I think he liked it. He gave me a sideways hug and quietly said he would miss me. I of course said I'd miss him too, then J said something and the moment was kind of ruined. Then he had me try to explain The Doctor, which was frustrating and hilarious. So I told him he's just have to come over and see it for himself.

Later everyone came out and gave him and C their cards and then the boss lady "made" them both give speeches. I actually was less sad and choked up then I thought I would be during it. Then, not long after it was time for R to leave. He leaves earlier than everyone. He went around giving hugs to everyone. I got up to get a Tylenol because my head was hurting. He found me in the hallway, gave me a big hug and said he would see me soon. I said he better. Then he said we'd talk every night.  God I missed him already! I sat down again, but then got up to go to the bathroom and made me give me a second hug. A tighter hug on my part. It was probably a mistake, but I really don't care if it was. And then he left.

So today I am sad and depressed and bummed. I was doing ok since Valentine's Day. I kept telling myself my worth is not defined by a man. It is not defined by others. I was feeling really good. Maybe it was the upswing, before the downswing of not having my medicine,but I am really hoping it was just a turning point. I am not defined by a man. I am not defined by my weight. I am not defined by what others say or want or expect of me. 

And yet, today, I just want to be held in R's arms and never let go. 

So I guess I'm still a work in progress.