Random musings

I'm sorry, I know I said I'd try to not write about R, but I miss him. I wish he'd call. He did once recently after I posted something on FB about my co-worker and it was about 5 minutes, and it was all small talk, and I miss lunch/work with him. And I really want to see him, but never seems to respond when I ask if/when he's free. He's busy. I get it. I simply feel like I gave to him of me when he needed it, but when I need it, he's where? I'm really trying to just let him go. I really am.

And it makes me miss everyone.
And I recently started talking to M again, about a year after I told him I liked him and he, well as always, didn't return the feelings. And all the feelings came back. He's struggling with a major life decision at the moment and he was telling me about all these classes he was taking and I really wish I could take them too. He said they really help to figure out yourself. And I need that. And I want to talk to him about everything and yet it always seems sort of awkward. I don't know. I miss his hugs!!!!!!!!!!!
          And I, while not quite as unhappy as I have been recently, am still longing for something. I want to get out of this house. I want to move to VA or TX. I'll move to either. E is in TX, which would be awesome! But either way, the logistics never seem to come together. The money never seems to come.
      I want love. I want someone to come home to. I want conversations. I want to have that easy to talk to, start with your favorite color and end of talking all night conversations. And I sometimes try, but say things wrong, or clam up, and I don't even know where to start.
      I want to figure things out. I want to figure out my purpose. I want to figure out my career. I want to figure out myself.
      And I don't let people in easily, and yet I still seem to sometimes push them away.

I'm pretty sure my co-worker is egotistical. And possibly racist. And he wants to build a space tube to the moon. Where is will use robots for something, it changes daily. And somehow he's also using the Washington Monument? The details always change about everything he says.

And I found out my co-workers get paid more than me through temp agencies. Yet B who has been there like 15 years has never gotten a raise. So there is no way I'll get one. She doesn't need the money, so she doesn't care. Must be nice.

My car-pool buddy/co-worker is great, but somehow I doubt I'll see her much when her contract runs out. She doesn't have a car. This makes me sad. I lost R and then her. I'm not sure I can handle it. And yes, I'd have more friends if I went out more, but I don't want to go out because I hate it around here and don't have any money.

Why does money have to rule the world?

Why does everyone around here think i need to be saved and that if I don't go to church, I'm some sort of heathen that doesn't believe? I may not know exactly what I believe, but I know not all church going people are good people. Why am I a bad person if I don't go to church?

What is up with our world lately? Geez

I really, really miss hugs and want deep conversation.

I need a haircut.