Down, Down, Down...

There was a time, between this blog and the next most recent, that I was doing well. 

I had decided that my depression wasn't going to get in the way of anything. I had decided that my self worth was SO not defined by others, by guys, by my job, my my weight. I actually got out a couple of times. I was sort of getting caught up on my bills. I thought I was doing well.

My car tags expire in July. I have a wedding I MUST be at in Aug. I was going to give it a big push, apply, apply, apply. Goal: Get something full time, away from my sister, maybe in VA or TX by E. The "You Can Do It" attitude. I even got a call from a museum for a phone interview. The museum, really a mansion for a member of the Post cereal legacy, is super nice. Fancy, upscale, intimidating. I made K drive me before the interview. Turns out they only want a person for 8-12 hours a week. But I got a call for a regular interview and was going to go anyway. Sunday. I take my new GPS that comes with guilt and pressure, since it was given my L at work (story for another time) and drove to VA to make the drive there from work. Worst hours of my life. Well, probably not worst, but they rank pretty high. First, the weather turned horrible. Second, I missed like 3 exits on the way there due to odd round-a-bouts and, well weather. Finally got there. Whew. Way home I'm pretty sure the GPS had it out for me. It kept taking me to the wrong streets, to construction zones, to dead ends. All this in DC traffic and horrible weather. I honestly don't even know how I made it back home. all I did know was that I was SUPER stressed and I was never, ever, driving in DC again. Which would be fine if the museum was by a bus stop or a metro, but it's not. It's in the boondocks of "rich" DC. I'm sorry. I can't. People who have lived her forever don't even want to drive in DC. And I went on a less traffic day and barely made it. I can't even imagine...

I had missed lunch so I stopped quick at the supermarket. My sister called. I was all upset and was like can I just tell you about it when I get home? Yeah, well guess who is there. She can't even wait for like 5 minutes to see what is wrong when I get home, nope. They are already going at it. So all the everything kicks in. The sadness, the anger, the doubt. I screw up. I texted R and then later on Facebook. Since I've known him kept saying I was his best work friend. And I know we're close, but he kept saying it. He was trying to say something kind and I said something about him just being nice and not telling his work friend to bugger off. Which he said was "a shitty implication," because I should know we're more than work friends. And I apologized and I thought we were ok. He was moving the next day, checked in, didn't say much-let him do his moving. Yesterday was texting a little and then I said can I just call, would rather talk, or are you busy? Silence. Nothing. No response. Did he think I meant "are you busy" in a sarcastic way? Is he mad? Today I wrote "I'm an ass. Forgive me? Miss you." Maybe it's too much. Maybe I'm pushing him away? Why do I even care this much that I over analyze everything? I couldn't sleep last night, I was worried and stressed. Tonight isn't much better. He said I should come up and visit the end of this week. Well, tomorrow is Friday. I want it to happen, but don't think it will. ARG I'm such a freaking idiot.

I'm trying to ignore it. To get over it. It doesn't matter. I matter. Get myself together. Keep up the applications. Keep trying. I just can't get everything, not just R, out of my head. Need to try harder to ban the negativity. Positive vibes. Positive vibes. One day at a time. Seriously, why is he stressing me out so much. Why do I feel like such an ass. Why do I always have this guilt. Not just with him. But it's like I can't ever do anything for myself, I have to make sure others come first. That the right thing is done. That everyone else matters. My whole life it's been like this. And I have some suspicions as to the why. But how do I change it? How do I make sure I take care of me? Without the guilt?