So the other day I got a phone call for a phone interview. Part-time, temporary (summer) I think, at a Museum in D.C. So I took my friend K and my sister to go check it out. And then we had some super on H Street and D. C. The museum was nice, dinner was nice, but I hated pretty much everything else.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I hate large cities, I hate large crowds. I like land, and green and country and water. Granted, I have yet had a chance to go check out some of the bay-side towns, but apparently it's where all the rich live. But small towns have no opportunity, no jobs.
And today, today I took a shower and just broke down. Maybe it was because of yesterday, maybe it's because my sister's A-hole of a boyfriend is coming over, so I basically have to lock myself in my room, maybe it's because I'm miserable.
When I was working with R I felt happier. Someone who I connected with and went to lunch with, to talk to. And then he got a good job in a city over an hour away, and I never see him. I barely hear from him. I know, I know. New job, commute, tired, etc. He's 22 and although I think he's probably perfect for me, it would probably never work. Yet he has time for drinking, and going out with his soccer buddies or to the gym. His life. I get it. I'm pretty sure I was just there to "use" when he needed someone. And it breaks my heart. My other work friend J does hang out with me once or twice after work, but I'm pretty sure I won't hear from her much either once her contract is up at work. I shouldn't complain, I fully admit I suck at keeping in touch myself. I shouldn't be so upset over others not keeping in touch with me. It's called life.
I don't know what to do. I can't live with my sister much longer, but I don't have any extra money to find a place on my own (even with roommates). I could go home and live with my parents and share the back room with my niece when she comes to visit, but I would feel like a failure. And there really aren't many job opportunities back home.
I do kind of want to move to TX to be with E, even though she lives by a large city, but can't just move without a job, without a place to live. I might hate it there too. Although, at least there I would know I had a true friend.
Pros of here:
more job opportuinty
lots of museums/libraries/art
The sea. I like the sea - if i found a place to live near it
Warmer weather
better health
K and J
Have a job, even if it is part time
Cons:
Traffic, crowds, industry,
little grass
expensive
hard to actually get one of those jobs
large cities, dirt, pollution, crime
hardly ever make it to those museums
Sister
sister's boyfriend
TX:
Pros: E
Cons - don't know enough about the area yet
no job/no place to live yet
MN
Pros:
family
familiar with area
Green, water
Friends
cheaper to live
Cons:
family
no "real" place to live
no job
feeling of failure
same old crap I tried to escape
So what to do?!? I'm miserable but I don't know where I want to go or what I want to do with my life. How can I figure that out? And I better soon, before my car license tags run out.
Oh Honey-Bunny. I know exactly how you're feeling right now. I realize we aren't necessarily going through, or have gone though, similar experiences per se, but I understand.
ReplyDeleteDuring my latest complete breakdown, my mom asked if I wished that I had moved back home instead of staying in Texas. Without even thinking I answered, "No." I explained that if I had thrown my arms up with a defiant the-heck-with-this and moved back home, how exactly would that have helped me? I know our circumstances are different, but just like you I would have felt like a failure. I would have to leave a decent job working with people I actually like and I would have to leave my independence after suddenly finding myself living with mommy & daddy again. I wouldn't feel like I had gained anything. I would have felt like I had lost. Yes, I feel extremely alone. I don't have that support system here like I did in Chicago and even Minnesota. Yet part of me is willing to sacrifice that right now. I can't help thinking that this is what I need at this point in my life, whether I understand the why or the how or not. I am struggling mentally and emotionally, but I am also keeping faith. Things will get better, I will get better, and looking back I'll think, "Wow, I'm so proud of myself for making it through that."
I think what you need to do is really take a look inside yourself and figure out exactly what it is that you want. What do you want for yourself? What kind of life? Determine your priorities and go from there. Professional/work, health, family/friends, financial, community, leisure, etc. Thinking about your priorities in these areas might help you understand what you want and need to do to get there.
I know things are feeling bleak right now and while it's okay to wallow for a bit or every now and then, picking yourself up, focusing on the positive and doing something about it will help infinitely more.
"You have within you enormous untapped resources of talent and ability—just waiting to be harnessed and challenged toward some great good. You must refuse to 'go to your grave with your music still in you.' Be honest with yourself. Don’t fall into the trap of selling yourself short, of settling for less than you’re truly capable of. You were born for greatness. You are here to make a difference with your life in some way."—Brian Tracy
That's the thing. I have thought about it all, in detail. I still don't know anything!
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