Looking and longing

So E just wrote an entry entitled, "If I Could Only Find a Man Like Aragorn." Too funny, I thought to myself, since I've been thinking a lot on this subject myself lately. Although, while she is lucky to perhaps have found her Aragorn, I have not.

That's another thing I'm tired about. Being alone. Not having anyone. I know part of it is my fault. I'm pretty introverted until I really get to know a person and I don't go out much. Not there there is much in the way of places to go around here. Well, unless you want a church or a bar, neither or which have been very appealing to me lately. The town is filled with college kids. Plenty of new people each year, but I'm past it. Most are still in the "let's get drunk and party stage," and I am not, never was. But it is more than that. The thing is I suck at it. The whole liking a guy, meeting, talking to, flirting, going on dates thing. SUCK, SUCK, SUCK!!! I've had plenty of guy friends over the years, still do. I've hung out with, maybe even gone on dates (honestly I'm not even sure they were dates-see the suck comment) and totally fallen for a couple of them. But it never works. I'm always just the friend, or like a sister, or good enough until some other person comes along, or  "I'm sorry but I just don't think about you that way" type of girl. ALWAYS!

This happens enough, and you start to ask what the hell is wrong with yourself. What is it? Why me. Am I not confident enough? Probably. Am I not pretty enough, skinny enough, etc. Dangerous territory. And I know I'm not alone. I know there are plenty of people out there thinking these same thoughts. But it still stinks. Everyone keeps telling me I'll find the right guy. I think I have, he just doesn't agree. But regardless, what if I don't? What if I'm a spinster sitting on a porch yelling at kids because she's bitter inside? And lately it seems everything reminds me I don't have it. Movies, people holding hands, songs, even commercials for goodness sake.

So what am I to do. Suck it up I keep telling myself. Stop thinking about certain people, stop watching those movies, stop dreaming and live in reality. But thing is, I'm a dreamer. So as much as I try, this stuff just creeps back in.