Looking for a getaway

I don't know what's going on with me lately. I've been sort of bummed out. I guess I would have to say I'm tired. Tired of everything. Not tired of everything in a "I'm giving up on life" type of way, but a why can't anything ever get better or go right kind of way?

Mayo still hasn't figured out what's wrong with me. I'm glad they are still looking, don't get me wrong, but I wish I had something concrete. Instead everything seems to come up normal. I'm starting to think maybe it is all in my head.... No! I refuse to believe that. Find it damn it!

Ok, got that out of my system.

What else? Work still sucks. I'm still not full time, although I am more in two departments now than three. Which is nice. I guess my boss in one may have finally convinced the HR jerk that I need to be hired full time, because she is pretty sure my current situation is illegal. At least that's what I hear through the co-worker rumour mill. But the actual head guy who makes these decisions seems to hate my guts for some reason. I'm not sure why. So basically, getting full time will never happen. Whatever. I'm so sick of it. All I want to do is move. Far, far away I want to move. Or down south. Whichever comes first.

I'm making some steps. My resume is re-done. I've started to look for jobs. I've printed off some information. E wants me to come move by her, which I would absolutely love. Yet, for some reason, I keep hearing Arizona calling. I'll continue to look in both places though.

Couple of things though: 1) health insurance. I know most places allow temporary health insurance, or you can get it through Manpower or something, but if one doesn't have a job, how does one pay for that? And if you know me, you know I need medical insurance. For medications alone, not to mention that whole side thing. 2) Do I find a job and then move, or move and then find a job? It's obviously a lot easier to find a job and apply and interview if you are in the actual vacinity of the job, but again, there is that whole money situation.3) Student loans and how to pay for them (see 1-2). I do have enough money saved and through tax refunds to go about three months without a job and still pay those bills.So sometimes I think -hell with it, just go. But then the whole health situation comes back to haunt me. This is also, I think, what my mom is most concerned about.

As for Arizona and why it's calling....

Oh, who am I kidding. It's a guy. A guy who is never there. A guy who has no interest in me what-so-ever. A guy I can't ever get out of my head. We're friends. I hope we will always be friends. And intellectually, I know this will proabably be all there is. Yet, there is something about him I can't explain.Something that draws you to him. You get it if you meet him and hang out with him for awhile. He just makes you happy. He makes you want to be a better person. He reminds you that all the little stupid stuff is just that, little stupid stuff. He does this for everyone. So there is this, combined with the fact my asthma doctor said AZ might be good for my health, and the fact that they have a U there with a library of science masters program that doesn't require the GRE test. Finally, there is the fact that he said I could stay with him awhile. Combined, I hear it calling. And I feel super, super, super, super, super bad, because I love E and would love to be by her. I'm sorry E. I'm still looking  by you though, because you just never know.

Now this stay with him part is still a bit up in the air. See, since he is always trying to do something for someone or is always going somewhere, he is currently in a different country for the next three months volunteering. The best of both worlds for him I imagine. I didn't really get to discuss details with him, and he also wanted to check things out with his roomate first to make sure it was ok, although he figured it would be. It's his house, but I guess this other guy basically pays for half the bills, so he should have a say. Well, since I didn't get to talk to him until a day before he was leaving, and this roomate never got back to him, I have no idea where I'm at. Can I come for only a couple of weeks after I already have a job? Can I come and look for a job? Do I have a room or a couch. Those type of things. I actually wrote a letter to his roomate to see if I would get a reply with his thoughts. He probably thinks I'm a strange nutcase, but whatever. I hope he replies.

And then today, before I left for Mayo, I got handed a card saying "Congratulations on your five years." At first I was like ...um I've only been here for 2, but I guess they counted the time I there before. Either way, it's way to fracking long. I need to leave, to go, to get the hell out of there.

So I'm bummed because while it's motivation to get out, I still feel like I'm at a standstill. Like I'm never going to get anywhere. Like no one ever believes I will (yeah I'm talking to you brother and my dad). I just hope something works out soon.