A lot of things have been on my mind lately, mainly I can't live with my sister. But I can't afford not to live with my sister. Go back? Re-group? What's keeping me here? If I could get a job in a town/city by the bay, I think I would like it better. But getting anything around here is crazy hard. So besides water, they only thing I keep coming back to is R. Though, I should just forget him. And the following are my thoughts/things I want to say to him--but won't/shouldn't. I just have to get them out.
- I first saw you standing at B's desk, all dressed up. And thought, "Wow, that guy is handsome. Is he a customer? Is he the new guy? I really hope he's the new guy." As I walked past. And then I had to pretend to do something and I walked past again. And we smiled at each other. And that was it.
- I didn't really get to train you at first, but when I did, I found you nice, but quiet. Then, slowly, your real personality began to come out. But still, we were more or less trainer and trainee. Then one day there was a shooting, in D.C., I think, and you were in the lunchroom and I came in and said something along the lines of "I don't know about you, but I'm totally for gun control." You said you hated guns, and we started talking.
- Soon, we were talking a lot. We decided to go to lunch at McD's. Slightly awkward at first, (still getting to know each other), but when you asked me things like my age and what not, things that are innocent but I would usually not want to talk about or maybe lie about, I told you the truth. No hesitation. I didn't care what you thought. And it truly went from there. You'd call me before work for a couple of minutes. We'd text. We were starting to become friends. Then the thing with my sister happened. I texted to said I had to go and you were like "shit" and you were going to call me later because you were out. But you never did.
- I texted you a couple of times while gone. You would reply, but never initiate. Normally I would analyze the hell out of that. I didn't. I guess I was too busy. And when I did get back, for like the first time ever, you were at work ahead of me. You stood up, gave me the MOST WONDERFUL hug I have ever had, and really made me feel welcome. I feel like time stopped a little. But we were in front of everyone, and in reality it was far too short.
- From there one it was on. Talk, text, you'd call, occasionally I'd call. We were both trying to find better jobs, but you were the only one actually getting interviews. I was helping you through some rough times, and you were there for me. We had so much in common. I felt like I finally found someone I clicked with, guy wise at least, and while totally wanting you as a friend and yes, I started to like you.
- We never did anything outside of work because you always had to pick up your brother, so I accepted it. Maybe it should have been a sign.
- So you got a new job and moved away. You said we'd talk like normal. Of course we didn't. I would text you, you would, well eventually, text me back. I'd try to see if you were free. You never were. I thought it was me. My guy friend said, no, it's probably just that you're 22 and REALLY out on your own and working and getting adjusted etc. He makes a good point. But in the meantime I've been in a steady decline and while feeling all sorry for myself I asked if you were too nice and just wanted me to bugger off. I think I really offended you, so at least I knew you were my friend on some level. And mainly I've just been freaking out and texting to see if you were free. I really needed a friend. I really needed to talk to you. You were always busy. Sure you'd text back and I guess try to be supported by guy standards, but in my head, I'm like what is wrong. I am totally scaring him off. What the hell am I doing? Oh and once you called for about 5 minutes when I posted something about a co-worker.
- So to sum all of this up, I like you, but more importantly I thought you were a good friend. I WANT you as a good friend. I want to have our conversations. I want to laugh, and be called an ass and call you one, and be perfectly comfortable. You were me, in guy form and you were my support, my buddy, my friend. Plus, it didn't really hurt to look at handsome every day, who could also speak 3 languages. I probably am pushing you away with all my neediness right now. And logically, I know you're doing what you're supposed to be doing. You're 22. You're supposed to be out, and busy, and working, and drunk (well that's debatable, but anyway). And I'm sure not hearing from you probably isn't on purpose. Or even if it is, is probably right. But I miss you soooooooooo much. And I just want to see you and get a hug and talk. I realize that's probably too much to ask. I realize I just need to let you go. So I'm going to try. I'm going to not text you for awhile. And I'm really not going to think, "hey maybe if I get a job and a place closer to him, we can hang out." Because A) I doubt that will happen, B)that seems a little stalkerish, and C) it probably wouldn't change anything. So as much as it is killing me inside, that's what I going to do. And while I truly hope you're contact me and maybe we'll meet up again, my guess is I'll be going back to MN without seeing you and rarely, if ever talk to you again. I'm not sure if you were "the one." But you were certainly "the one friend" I needed/need. And I'm really going to miss you, Ass.
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