It's been forever since I've written in here. Ok, not forever, but almost a year. A lot has happened, the major thing being that I moved. But I will get into that later.
I, like E, have been trying to figure myself out, figure,"IT" out, etc. Success at this task varies day to day. But today I am sad. Maybe it's because I can't get one of my meds refilled that is supposed to help make me not sad, but I suspect, it's because change is happening, once again, and I'm scared. Also, of course, because it's me, it involves a guy.
So I moved and was lucky enough to have a long-time friend who lives sort of in the area. I hardly ever see him, but that's another story. Anyway, so he referred me to the people at his former job, at a tax place. And they hired me. It's a very small business, no more than 12 people or so, and we don't actually meet with clients. It's all done through the mail, e-mail, phone and fax. So I was in a new state, new city, didn't know anyone, was intimidated at work (which I shouldn't have been, the boss lady is actually really nice; she just has one of those voices), and feeling all alone. Luckily, not too long after I started he came to work there as well.
Who is "he?" Well, I'm just going to call him R. So R comes in. He's 11 years younger than me. He's smart and polite and well dressed. Not to mention handsome, if not in the traditional sense. Though, I was never attracted to the "traditional" handsome anyway. I think the first real conversation we had was at lunch one day after a shooting at a school or something. It was sad. And we just clicked. We clicked like I've rarely ever clicked with anyone,E and a couple few being an exception, never mind a guy. So we would talk and a couple of times went to lunch. I found my self telling him things that I rarely tell anyone. Not really "PERSONAL" things, per say, but I'm a pretty private person and you need to know me for years before I say some things. I don't know, it was just like I didn't feel the need to try to hide anything to make myself look better. Honestly, it's weird.
Then, I had a family thing happen and I had to go back to MN. I don't really want to talk about it. I texted him a couple of times when I was back there, but he never answered. I thought maybe I messed something up. But then, unlike in the past, I didn't care. If he didn't like me (even as just a friend) that was his problem. Score one for self-esteem. When I got back to work, he got up and gave me this awesome big hug. It was exactly what I needed and I never wanted to let go. Though, the fact it was in the middle of the work room, so you know - awkward! We've been closer ever since.
Thing is, it turns out that while yes, he can be polite etc., in non-work environments, he really isn't per say. He's brash, and sarcastic, and well, everything a guy his age would be. But that also seems to have brought out a side to me that I, I don't know, repressed. I'm not saying I'm going to suddenly start swearing all the time or act rash or anything like that. It's hard to explain. He can call me ass and I know he's only doing it in jest, and in return I can call him ass as well. I don't even know how to explain it without it sounding like we're horrible to each other. But I like it. Also, he, in his own words, "sometimes acts like a girl." He likes wine and rom coms and reads, and I don't know, actually cares.
So now, of course, I kind of like him. But I'm not treating it like before. I'm not Google stalking him, or analyzing his every move. I don't call him. He calls me. I'm not in a funk when he mentions he tried to go on a date with some girl, etc. Do I want him to go on a date with this girl? No. But his friendship comes first. I kind of messed up when he was talking about some girl his buddy wanted him to go out with on Friday and I was trying to be encouraging, not even realizing Friday is Valentine's Day. Then the next day I was like you should come over then if you're not going out, etc. No Pressure situation, Anti-Valentine's Day. I should have said Sat. I didn't mean it romantically, but I think he thought I did. Whatever. Turns out that same day he found out he got his dream job. So on the one hand, thank goodness, because that took precedence in his mind. On the other I wanted to cry.
It really hit me how much of a friend he has become to me and yes, how much I like him. But more importantly, how much I will miss him. He's only at work another week or so and then he moves about an hour away. And once again, I'm stuck, pretty much on my own.
Maybe that's the way it's supposed to be. Maybe we'll still be friends? Maybe the age difference is too much. Maybe we'll one day turn out like Harry and Sally - his favorite movie by the way and 12 years from now will end up married. Maybe I'll never see him again. I really hope that last sentence isn't true.
So what am I saying with all this? Honestly, I have no idea. I guess he was just there when I needed someone the most and I'm really sad I won't see him daily anymore.
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