E, one of my very best friends, has moved. And I love it. I love that she achieved her goal of moving, love that she achieved her dream, and I love that she has the guts to go into the unknown to try to find something new and hopefully better. I am extremely happy for her...and yet incredibly sad. Not sad for her, no, I am selfishly sad for me. It's ok, I admit it. I am sad because she's not here, because I will miss her soooooo much, sad that I can't just go over to her place and laugh over iced mocha rambles that only we understand, and sad (and this is the really selfish part) that I am still here, in the same crappy life, doing the same crappy thing. Which is nothing.
But whose fault is that? Mine, all mine. In a comment on an earlier post it was mentioned that maybe I need guidance. I do. But from where? I don't seem to have the inner strength that I admire so much in E to pull myself out of this situation. So to whom do I turn for help? Family, while I love them, is not the answer. Church, while I certainly have beliefs, has never been my strong suit. Although sometimes, it seems it is always trying to creep into my life. Friends? They're great but they can't tell me what I want to do with my life when I have no idea what I want to do with my life. So guidance from where? I have no idea. But I do know that if I want to have any happiness in life I need to make some sort of change, to find the strength that E did to finally make that change, to stop the apathy that has wormed it's way into my being. But how....but how?
So can happiness be sad? In all sorts of ways. And while I only meant to write this blog post about how excited (yet sad) I am for E (and myself), it's turned into a lament about my life. I'm sorry for that. And yet I'm not, because apparently admitting something is the first step to changing it. I REALLY hope that's true!
And E, I am happy for you. I'll miss you every day, but for now, I honestly wouldn't have it any other way.
--- S
I miss you, too, my dear. But, don't be too sad. If you have the desire for change, well, that's how it all started for me. You can do anything you want to!
ReplyDeleteI know it helped me by simply getting organized... writing out all of my goals (no matter how seemingly small) and then focusing on my one or two major Push Goals. This is an ongoing process, and I am excited that my first Push Goal-"Move Out of Winona"-has happened six months after I first wrote it down.
Accomplishing this has renewed my hope in the future-it doesn't seem so grim for me anymore. I look forward to repeating the process for my next goals... finding a new job and buying a house.
I know you can achieve you goals and dreams, too, and I am always here to help you or to just cheer you on. Keep the faith!